testaccount33

Amen to that. Our commutes are both literal hell right now and moving away from New York would be a huge plus anyway. She seems too stubborn to look elsewhere but maybe I could help look for a place that would be a better fit? That would be many months away though with this lease and whatnot. I do appreciate the practicality here. You and me are probably on the same page with a lot of what you wrote- and honestly your suggestions have been enough for past women in my life. It's this part that gets me though- I think she knows how I feel there but not how important it is. We've had that talk, or tried to anyway, but it's not enough to make her relax about any of this or change anything on my behalf. I dunno if she would make that specific compromise just for me. It feels weird because it's an issue very specific to this community, you know? How do you ask for compromise on an issue like this especially when she's on a judgey warpath against herself? There's no way to ask that stuff without sounding like a selfish asshole, in her mind anyhow. And then there's this temptation. I've thought about it a lot, if this was a deal breaker or not. I've looked into apartment prices nearby on my own, even made a blank ** page to look at profiles and test the waters for what type of women were around me. In the end I felt guilty though. Even though sex is a huge pillar of any relationship and mine is possibly crumbling right now, the rest is rock solid. It's a lot to think about, but I think I'm still with her because I believe there's a way to see the problem through. Maybe I'm wrong and young and naive, but I dunno. I'm just very confused, man.

I'm a fucking mess again, guys. I know an FA message board might not be the best place for unbiased advice on this subject, but I hope someone here can relate. This is probably a long read, but I gotta get my thoughts out. My girlfriend is an absolute gem, I've never had a more interpersonal connection with someone- and I've dated around a lot. The problem in the way of that is her complete, 100% lack of self confidence. I'll abbreviate our story from the beginning with regard to this issue. We met online a couple years ago and she helped pull me out of a pretty dark place. She found out about my penchant for large women and belly-sex-things during that time, definitely not every facet of my kinks, but enough. She's short but was curvy at the time, probably 4' 11" and 150 was where she gravitated toward. She was understanding but uncomfortable, after a lifetime of being insecure about her weight. Society does that to a woman, unfortunately. I mostly removed that element of our sex life out of respect and realized that it would have to take a backseat to the girl I love. We still had pretty regular normal sex, and I still went online to do my thing whenever she wasn't there. Fine and dandy. Over our time together, she now weighs around 170-180 if I had to guess. I've put on a little bit too, but it shows less on me and I don't mind, as how it happened felt good together. She's categorically obese for her height, but not morbidly. Seriously, if I had to sculpt the perfect figure, this would be it. Her stress at work, love of food, and living situation (being with someone who tries very, VERY hard to suppress feeder urges all of the time) are all probably the culprit in some way. She's complained and begrudged every moment of it while not making any serious efforts to change until now, though. She constantly grabs herself grudgingly, cries when clothing is tighter, and has only terrible things to say about herself. This part is less my business, but it's not about the health that worries her either, it's entirely in how she looks. She's not interested in working out (which would primarily be what makes her healthier at this size), she just wants to try crash diets on and off so that she gets 'judged less' at work. She does work in Manhattan with a bunch of rail-thin vegan 'startup' types, so that can get to a person too, but despite all of my support (loving her for who she is, you know) over our time together, it seems like none of my words ever stick. She's insistent on returning to her lowest weight, 140. She's like actually very serious this time. That in and of itself I can get behind, and I want her to be happy. Honestly she would probably still be curvy at that point as it is still overweight, but like I said that's not what's worrisome. This process right now is killing me inside. A lot is changing at home- she ticks away at a calorie app and is trying to limit to like 1000/day, we're now a 'scale-in-the-bathroom' house, the fridge is restocked and all the soda is replaced with bottled water and vegetables, it's just so much stress at once. Even though she didn't want to gain weight ever, some of our best memories together involve eating and being sloths. I miss being able to gorge on an entire pizza each and slam back beers and not give a shit, or stay in with a ton of Chinese food and get high and not worry about a single thing that night. I really miss that person I could do that with, and it's honestly one of the things that's kept us together on my part, even if she hates herself for it later, she's still a huge self-admitted foodie. I miss my friend. I view eating together as romantic, intimate. It feels like someone saying we're not allowed to cuddle or have sex anymore, and that I'm just supposed to be cool with it. We've become really emotionally distant since she started with this- mostly because I don't know how to act around her anymore. There's nothing I can or should say to change her mind on anything, and it's been awful because I feel like complaining to her about my feelings about her diet would be very uncool. But the kicker, that despite this huge emotionally dragging feeling in the air all the time, it's still the girl I love, you know? She still cares about me more than anything. I feel like a world where we can still have pig-out nights but also have some light exercise and more natural cooking sometimes would be a perfect balance, letting the scales fluctuate however they want. But she's got this huge mental hurdle and thinks the world is constantly saying mean things about her, and I don't know if we'll ever reach that. Any normal guy would be really supportive here, but this fetish is anything but normal, sometimes. My options are to either leave her, put my feelings to the side on this diet thing, or I guess try to get her to relax more- but each of those options is shitty for a plethora of reasons. God, what do I do. EDIT: I will say, rereading this, that I write mostly from my own perspective. Her happiness is way more important than all of my words here, but I'm still allowed to feel dejected at the same time I think. How can we both come out of this winning? www.curvage.org/forum/index.php?/forums/topic/24332-girlfriend-knows-about-my-fetish-but-hates-it-about-herself/ is an old thread I wrote that might give more insight, too.

Apologies, I've been checking the responses pretty frequently and taking them to heart but we're both snowed in for the weekend so it's been hard to find a minute to respond. This is on mobile so mind the typos We had a big talk about all this yesterday, as it's been bothering me all week and I'm pretty conflicted- some posters here make a solid case to cut my losses here and let her go, but as you say, if this girl wasn't different than the others I've dated I wouldn't even think twice about dumping her. She's convinced the only way to be happy is to lose weight, which I get and would support if I saw this through, but it still seems first and foremost like a mental block. Someone like her is gonna worry about stuff like this for an entire lifetime- even if she does lose weight now, how many people ever stay that way? It's the fact that it's not coming from a positive mental place right now that bothers me the most I guess. But there's also no way I can reason that with her, either- that's for her to see eventually. The extra weight makes her feel like a failure towards herself and that she's no longer feminine. I've done a lot to make sure that she's well taken care of in and out of the bedroom and that this isn't the only focus, but it's not enough. I suggested therapy together or finding some body-positive videos to watch together, but it's almost like she doesn't want to help herself in this current state. There's not a whole lot more I can do, I guess, except watch this one play itself out. Honestly I'm not sure she'll stick to a diet, given how insanely busy with work we both are, but it's just so frustrating to know how hard on herself she's going to be if that happens. Even if she really does need to lose weight for health (and she doesn't, she's not obese or anything), nobody deserves to look at themselves that way, you know? Even if I didn't see fat as beautiful, it would hurt to have someone so close to me not at least be able to tolerate the base form of what they are as a person. Sorry if that was rambly at all. Been trying to piece together my thoughts all week, everyone's responses are really helpful though.

Pretty rad actually, which is why this is bothering me so much. We have our ups and downs like everyone does, but she's very loyal and definitely cares about me a lot (and vice versa). Do people work stuff like that out on their own? This all seems really deeply rooted, both the pressure on herself and the avarice towards this culture. There's nothing I can say because she'll write it off instantly- 'you look beautiful' becomes 'you look fat' because she knows about this side of me. It's awful for everyone. I really only want to do the above if it literally becomes debilitating. Outside of this, I love her too much to call it off for something that feels so selfish and minor on the outside. There has to be some type of compromise or something that helps change her mind about some of this, right?

We've been dating for about a year and live together. I told her about my attraction toward larger women probably about nine months ago in the interest of being honest and potentially opening some doors sexually (she was slightly more than a slim person at the time) which led to kind of a huge fight, as she's an independent type who devalues even the word fat. She is extremely self-loathing and places an already unhealthy amount of pressure on herself. I stopped touching her belly and stuff after that, but she saw what it was doing to me to not have that in my sexual life and slowly worked it back into the bedroom. She gradually put on weight through stress etc. over the year and would freak out anytime anything noticeable changed but never made any changes to diet or otherwise. Flash forward to now, she's gained a fair amount of weight (probably 20-30 pounds but on a very small frame) and absolutely hates it. She revealed yesterday that me touching her or bringing attention to her skin at all makes her completely lose her libido and that she wishes I wasn't drawn to what I am. She doesn't like my compliments or affection or grabbing, all because it brings attention to what she hates. I had the realization to myself that throughout my entire sexual life, alone and with partners, I've never not had fat/bellies/weight gain as a core part of the experience, either mentally or otherwise. She needs to feel better, and that trumps anything else, of course I'll be supportive no matter what, but I'm worried that my attraction will fade and become fake over time. It's making me hate the way that I am. I want to stay with her and help her because I love her and this feels so marginal, but I just wish there was a middle ground that didn't mean abandoning a part of my sexual identity when I'm with her, but she also regains her confidence. Is there?