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Agonising about feedism


yjpzsd

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From the first dawning of my sexuality I've fantasized about fattening girls up, feedism is quite a central keystone in my sexuality. I've come to terms with it- at least I thought I had- and had resigned myself to enjoying it as mere fantasy, overjoyed just to be indulged in a little "feed me cake and call me names" by a girl who's not really that into it. Fine that's life, you make these compromises, there are more important things than sex.

But recently, totally unexpectedly, this girl- gorgeous sexy sweet thing- dropped out of the sky, a real honest-to-goodness feedee, dreamed of meeting a feeder as long as she'd known what they were... I should be in heaven. And half the time I am, jubilant, beaming from ear to ear- but then I flip back to a moral anguish I wasn't expecting. I keep thinking diabetes, Alzheimer's, heart problems, all those risks and I can't see how in all good conscience I could let such a sweet little thing shoulder those risks while I watch...

I know that it's not a question of manipulating her, I know she wants this as much as I- more probably, honestly... but I keep spiralling back down to thinking this is real, this is surely dreadfully ungallant, I'm taking half the pleasure and none of the burden.

I know many of you must have wrestled with this before I'm sure, I just want to know... what conclusions did you arrive at? Thanks.

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Perverse thing is, we've not even managed to schedule a date yet, let alone got cracking with the weight gain biz. She'll just text me things like "been eating more since we've been chatting <3" and my heart simultaneously melts and breaks...

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Guest An Optimist
6 hours ago, yjpzsd said:

I keep thinking diabetes, Alzheimer's, heart problems, all those risks and I can't see how in all good conscience I could let such a sweet little thing shoulder those risks while I watch...

Provided you're not being played, all those risks are real. 

Does she not worry about those things? It's possible that she doesn't know, HAES mentality and other forms of denial are now quite prevalent.

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Guest deadjesusrodeo1

It's pretty tough to say man, I think everyone struggles with the battle of sexual desire vs. logic and cold, hard reality. This whole fetish is held up by an incredible amount of cognitive dissonance whereby everyone pretends to be ignorant of the negative side effects of being fat, being stuffed with extreme amounts of unhealthy foods, etc. etc...

People who go all in have to make a conscious (or unsconscious) decision to ignore (or accept, without fully understanding) the long-term consequences in order to satisfy extremely deeply rooted sexual cravings, whether it be from the perspective of a feeder or feedee. 

I'm not going to judge anyone's decision: it's purely something that all participating parties have to willingly choose for themselves, and accept what happens as a result. 

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Quit trying to find a woman to 'make' into the woman you desire, and spend the time and effort finding a good match who might not be as likely to be comprised by those diseases at a higher weight. People aren't purebreds.

We have the delight of possessing many different genes, and with the exception of a few places and populations on Earth, those genes allow us to survive in a multitude of different environments and situations.

The dilemma of finding a girl who not only looks good with heavier weight, but which is perhaps better suited and more inclined to weighting more is not one of moral conscience but of understanding what it is you desire in the World. Besides, being fatter does not necessarily mean being unhealthy. You can possess fat and posses exceptional muscle and a healthy body underneath. ;)

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You need to talk with her very openly about this. If you really can't help her gain without constantly agonizing about it (which she's sure to pick up on) this might not be a good match.

But consider:

  • There are risks to gaining, but if she doesn't gain she risks never living her dream and you risk never living your dream.
  • Note that happiness is good for your health. If gaining makes her happy, it may mitigate the health risks.

If she does decide to gain and you decide to help her:

  • Have her get frequent check-ups. If she develops high blood pressure or becomes pre-diabetic you may want to re-visit your/her goals.
  • Help her stay healthy. Don't go too crazy with the junk food. Help her get some exercise now and then.
  • And of course if she does need to lose weight at some point, help her with that.

She may be determined to gain whether you help her or not. In this case you might be able to help her gain more safely than she would on her own. You could also help her deal with any of the other inconveniences the extra weight might cause. In this case your conscience should be completely clear! 

Alternately you may decide to have a relationship but keep it in the fantasy realm for the both of you. Of course, she may gain weight anyway, as people do. I predict in this case you'll feel a bit guilty about her gain (since her knowing how you feel may consciously or unconsciously abet her gaining) but you'll enjoy the gain so much that you'll find the guilt tolerable. If this scenario horrifies you then again, this might not be a good match.

 

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Thanks for the replies everyone, good to get this stuff off my chest in a friendly environment, and even better to be listened to. I'm pretty sure she acknowledges the risks, to what extent she's familiar with them I'm not sure, and we talk pretty openly about it, I told her keeping close tabs on her health would be a condition of mine and she seemed to agree so we seem to be on the same page there.

btw

1 hour ago, LORDSHEOGORATH said:

Quit trying to find a woman to 'make' into the woman you desire, and spend the time and effort finding a good match who might not be as likely to be comprised by those diseases at a higher weight. People aren't purebreds.

I know there's a few people knocking about in this community that could use that advice but so we're clear, looking for women to 'make' into anything is not how I roll. One seems to have found me though, and frankly just having someone to share the fantasy with would be incredible let alone living it.

And nice to have a reply from the esteemed Doctor, as well. I already think that if I end up feeding this girl the way to sleep at night is to pursue a detailed risk management strategy- I'm a numbers guy so I'd really like to have some quantitative data. I'm not sure where to begin with the obesity literature though, would the good doctor be able to recommend some good review articles, meta analyses, books etc? I'd like to get a good grasp of mitigating factors which can be leveraged to minimize the risks- my intuition suggests low GI foods and excercise but biology is complicated and weird and, again, I'd prefer solid numbers. I think I'm probably going to get comfortable with this fairly quickly when I've had time to think it over and talk it through more seriously but I don't think I could have a shred of self respect if I go into it blind.

Edited by yjpzsd
misspelled recommend and quantitative
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Oh, did I? Darn I guess I should have spoken more carefully. Still good advice, I didn't take offence :) quite to the contrary though, I'm often kinda nervous that "feedism kink" might be taken as "not fat enough" which is not it at all. Don't think I have to worry about that with this one.

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5 hours ago, An Optimist said:

Provided you're not being played, all those risks are real. 

Does she not worry about those things? It's possible that she doesn't know, HAES mentality and other forms of denial are now quite prevalent.

Not sure exactly what you are getting at with 'HAES mentality', but just to clarify, yes some people misinterpret HAES in order to be in denial about their health but that doesn't mean HAES itself is wrong. It is possible to be fat and healthy but it requires a combination of hard work (exercise and not eating nothing but junk) and luck (a 'pear' body makes it easier to stay healthy than an 'apple' body as she will have less visceral fat).

But yes, when HAES advocates say it's possible to be fat and healthy, some people hear "fat doesn't make you unhealthy, therefore I, a fat person, am healthy". 

But if both parties are consenting, are fully aware of the risks, and agree to the steps to mitigate the risks including setting limits, then I would argue that the psychological damage of denying and repressing ones sexuality may even be worse than the potential physical harm of partaking in the risky behavior itself. Much like other 'fringe' sexualities like BDSM. 

 

EDIT

If you have a thick enough skin and strong enough stomach to handle Tumblr culture, the Tumblr blog Big Fat Science (https://bigfatscience.tumblr.com) links to some good scientific resources that may have the data you are looking for. 

Edited by bluetech
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I mean, have you even gone out with her? Why are you agonizing over a relationship that hasn't even begun yet? You're not going to give this person diabetes by taking her out to eat one time.

That being said, there's a big difference between being a feeder and 'ending up' with a fatter girlfriend and starting out the relationship knowing you are having a feeder/feedee part. The feedee is operating under the same knowledge that you have, and ultimately has the final say on what matters and what doesn't matter to their body. 

Honestly, just have fun and enjoy this new kind of relationship to start. If things start to get more serious, that is when you can start bringing in doing things more carefully, mitigating risk etc. 

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6 hours ago, Dr. Feeder said:

I'm not really a doctor and indeed don't have any hard data on this stuff. But you do get a great report these days if you get a physical and there's tons of data on what the numbers mean. That would be a good place to start.

Didn't presume you were- didn't presume you weren't- you always seem well informed though, thought you might be familiar with the literature, having read your letters column. Well I'll let you know my findings then because I'll certainly be trying to delve into it it this gets serious. Like I said, numbers guy :P

 

5 hours ago, shady-j said:

I mean, have you even gone out with her? Why are you agonizing over a relationship that hasn't even begun yet? You're not going to give this person diabetes by taking her out to eat one time.

That being said, there's a big difference between being a feeder and 'ending up' with a fatter girlfriend and starting out the relationship knowing you are having a feeder/feedee part. The feedee is operating under the same knowledge that you have, and ultimately has the final say on what matters and what doesn't matter to their body. 

Honestly, just have fun and enjoy this new kind of relationship to start. If things start to get more serious, that is when you can start bringing in doing things more carefully, mitigating risk etc. 

Because I Have an over active sense of guilt (raised catholic) don't judge ;)

Seriously though, I don't have any problem taking her out to dinner or owt, nor indulging in a bit of fantasy but when my mind wanders along our potential futures, as it will...

Well i get caught up in the abstract sometimes, bit of an agony of principles. Trying to stay concrete with contingencies and risk management strategies and so forth helps, as does just venting this stuff here.

I know it's a bit silly to be beating myself up over stuff which might not yet come to pass, but this is the first time I've ever met someone who's desires align so closely with mine, the first time an actual feedist relationship looks like it might be on the cards- you'll have to forgive me a little silliness, I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl :)

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9 hours ago, bluetech said:

EDIT

If you have a thick enough skin and strong enough stomach to handle Tumblr culture, the Tumblr blog Big Fat Science (https://bigfatscience.tumblr.com) links to some good scientific resources that may have the data you are looking for. 

Oh god I see what you mean, "it's not ok for doctors to talk negatively about young people's weight" what's wrong with these people. freakin' tumblr man. Yeah immediately sceptical but probably got some reasonable links thanks :)

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24 minutes ago, yjpzsd said:

Oh god I see what you mean, "it's not ok for doctors to talk negatively about young people's weight" what's wrong with these people. freakin' tumblr man. Yeah immediately sceptical but probably got some reasonable links thanks :)

Yeah, the medical establishment is so fat phobic that the only goal they think everyone should have is to make themselves as skinny as possible, so you will never find what you are looking for on webmd or mayo's website, and you pretty much have to wade through Tumblr bullshit to find it. Unless you can find the right search terms to go to PubMed directly. I am not a doctor either, but all of the health advice I give is backed by research I have found on PubMed. Which essentially boils down to what has been already said here that physical activity and body composition (visceral vs subcutaneous fat) are much better predictors of health than overall fatness. 

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If you are interested in going down the rabbit hole of PubMed, a good search term to start with is 'metabolically healthy obese' which is the medical researchers' term for healthy fat people, a category that the medical establishment hasn't come to terms with the existence of yet, despite intense research in the area. 

Good examples I found with a couple of minutes of browsing through search results on that term:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28363717

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27036105

Each study will be on a specific population, but overall a pattern emerges, that healthy fat people exist, and what primarily sets them apart from unhealthy fat people is that they exercise. 

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2 hours ago, yjpzsd said:

Oh god I see what you mean, "it's not ok for doctors to talk negatively about young people's weight" what's wrong with these people. freakin' tumblr man. Yeah immediately sceptical but probably got some reasonable links thanks :)

The thing about SJWs, which the Big Fat Science blogger certainly counts as, is that they generally have good information and the core of their arguments are usually sound. They just tend to take their conclusions to an extreme in an off-putting way. 

Regarding children and weight, research does show that telling kids to diet has a very high risk of causing eating disorders. What that really means is that weight loss in children should be treated as a drug with potentially very bad side effects, and prescribed sparingly and judiciously in light of that. Telling every fat kid that they need to lose weight or they will die (the current approach many doctors advocate) will probably cause more problems in the long run than it solves. But the SJWs take it too far in the other direction and say that overweight children should never be told to lose weight in any situation ever.

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1 hour ago, bluetech said:

The thing about SJWs, which the Big Fat Science blogger certainly counts as, is that they generally have good information and the core of their arguments are usually sound. They just tend to take their conclusions to an extreme in an off-putting way.

Yeah, exactly! I find myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first half of every sentence, but getting completely lost at "therefore if you don't blindly follow <insert absurd rule> you're a terrible person"

Life's complicated, man, give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

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Another thing to consider:

The two of you might agree on some nice relatively healthy moderate gaining plan. Maybe you decide her goal is 200 pounds.

Then she gets to that point and it isn't enough. She wants to gain more. This is actually quite common...people gain and like it much more than they think they will.

I actually think a good feeder should support her in gaining more at this point, though you might want to cut back on actively encouraging her. Of course you two may have different ideas. I'm just saying it's something you should consider in advance.

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