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Does it get easier? Wife lost weight


modraneth

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Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. I have been on Curvage for as long as it has existed in this incarnation and even before that on Fat Celebs when it was exclusive to Yahoo. I loved the fact that there was community out there of men and women who embraced size acceptance. It actually helped me come to grips with my preference. So anyway, I've been lurking for a really long time, and it's a shame that this has to be my first post, but I am looking for some advice from those who have a preference for curvier women because I think it is seriously damaging my marriage.

I've known my wife for 14 years, we've been married for five of those years. When I first met her, I thought she was perfect. Smart, career-oriented, funny with an incredible body. It was basically exactly what I wanted in a woman. When we first met, she was about 145, but her weight fluctuated throughout our time together. In university, she decided to diet and lost about 15 lbs. Initially, I supported her in this, but I didn't like the result in the end. She ended up gaining the weight back (although it wasn't something I pushed), but her weight has been a running theme in our relationship. I used to hate when she went to the gym (until I started going myself and learned how hard it is to gain weight), and while I didn't tell her this, my passive aggressive attitude likely told her what I thought. Putting that bit of asshole behaviour aside, this running theme of her weight came up on several occasions. When clothes didn't fit or when she was feeling unattractive, I always told her that she was beautiful. I hoped that she would accept, that she would eventually see in herself what I had seen all along, and there were times when I got through. But she always had issues with her body. This is a girl whose grandmother told her that her thighs were fat at 5 years old. But still i tried to make her feel comfortable in her body with varying degrees of success. I should note that she never hated her body, but there were always things that she wanted to change (like pretty much every person on the planet). She also wasn't trying to diet all the time and lose the weight. She was just someone who wasn't entirely happy with their body.

With kids, she gained some weight (up to 160 when we were married) and then back to her regular weight. However, a year after our second child was born, my wife lost about thirty five pounds (she is now about 110-115). It wasn't through anything she was actively trying to do (wasn't going to gym excessively or really dieting). It had everything to do with a food intolerance test and some wacky post-pregnancy hormones. The weight tumbled off of her and with that her curves too. After this happened, we went through a very, very difficult patch, going to counselling both couples and private. My therapist told me that if I just told my wife that I loved her, that she was beautiful, and that I showed her that then things would work out. He gave the example of a man whose wife had gained a significant amount of weight. Eventually, the wife started being active again with the support of her husband and everything turned out fine. Those of us with this preference know that most women, however, don't want to gain weight. I have never known a woman who wanted to gain weight beyond these forums basically. Is my wife happy with her body? No, of course not. Like when she was 145, she still doesn't like aspects of her body. My therapist told me that basically I had to 'grieve' my wife's old body, and that once I did and came to acceptance that things would be OK.

I honestly feel like I am still grieving her body a year later. I've done my best to accept it, to show interest in her (even though I can't hide the fact that I am just not nearly as attracted to her as I used to be). I miss her curves, and the excitement that they would elicit when I would massage her legs or just touch her body. I find myself having to avoid areas on her body like angular hips and collar bones and the fact that she barely has a chest. I don't look at her the same way, and I am not a person who can hide these things. She knows that I used to love touching her body all over, and I just can't any longer. I honestly hate this preference because I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't get over how she used to look (can't look at pictures of her from before the loss) and how her body felt. It is why I stopped coming to Curvage or looking at any curvy women on the net. I hadn't been on the site for anything except research for my problem for over a year now.

I am a shallow asshole who is basically putting far too much emphasis on looks, and it has seriously impacted our relationship. My wife doesn't understand why I put so much emphasis on how she looks, why I care. So I'm asking, does it get any easier? Is this something that I will come to accept for someone that I love? Can you suggest any ways that I can deal with this? She is not going to gain weight on purpose, but she does feel guilty for losing the weight, but she is also very resentful because she doesn't feel as wanted anymore. She said that she could gain the weight, but she would resent me for it, and I certainly don't want that. I feel too though that even if she does gain weight just over time that she will still resent me for it because suddenly I'll be a lot more interested because her weight has been a theme of our relationship.

I think for me, I just need to keep at it. Move toward acceptance, remember who my wife is, remind myself that I love her and just accept her body as it is. I understand that it is her body, and that it is her choice. I shouldn't push her in a direction to suit my preference. At the same time, how do I do that and be sincere in my intimacy with her? Sorry for the length of this. I hope at least a few people read it and know where I am coming from.

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How tall is your wife, out of curiosity?

 

And as for your issue, shit man, it's hard. You're dealing with a real issue many married couples have though, preference/fetish or no. I think a lot of people are going to come down on your side on this site saying that your wife is a bit selfish for not at least trying to put on a few pounds to try and reinvigorate your sex life, but I would say to take it with a grain of salt. I don't know how much you told your therapist in terms of this but he's not wrong putting it in terms of a wife/husband who has gained weight. If you were in a relationship with someone and they shared that they found your weight perfect the way it was and then you gained 50 lbs, you wouldn't be surprised if they found you less attractive.

I think it's kind of unreasonable to think that your wife, who lost almost 50 lbs through a post-pregnancy induced condition, won't gain the weight again eventually. She may not get back up to 160, but even 10 lbs (don't really know her height, so I don't know exactly how much) would be enough to smooth the edges, so to speak. As for what to do until then, communication is key. You don't need to have the same discussion 10 times about how you want her to be bigger, but just admit you're having issues with how thin she is now and that you're attempting to do better. Remember, it's your issue not finding attraction, she's obviously still beautiful regardless of that, and it's always important to let her know.

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Tough situation. If you have any non-weight-related kinks that are or could become somewhat incorporated into your relationship you might try focusing on them. Otherwise you might try to "reprogram" your brain a bit but it's hard, requires patience and there's no guarantee it will work. Being in your situation I'd probably focus somewhat on the aspects of her new figure that I might find appealing, like, say, her being easier to "throw around" during fun in bed. And then build upon it slowly. Or if you have some past positive experience in being attracted to slimmer girls, try reminiscing and translate it to your current state of mind. Plus, focus on other things that you find attractive in your wife and maybe try "fetishizing" them a little. Anyway, that's what I would do.

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Bleak outlook. Your wife doesn't want to please you.

It's not selfish of you to enjoy her extra weight, especially the relatively small amount you mention here. She is more selfish denying her own woman's nature to fatten with age and childbirth. She's fighting nature, denying her husband's desires and harming your marriage.

Her primary goal must be to please you, her husband and provider. Take control of your marriage, man.

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4 hours ago, finallyfat said:

Bleak outlook. Your wife doesn't want to please you.

It's not selfish of you to enjoy her extra weight, especially the relatively small amount you mention here. She is more selfish denying her own woman's nature to fatten with age and childbirth. She's fighting nature, denying her husband's desires and harming your marriage.

Her primary goal must be to please you, her husband and provider. Take control of your marriage, man.

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Guest An Optimist
1 hour ago, scissortooth said:

Please tell me this guy is just trolling. 

These guys are serious. 

 

21 hours ago, modraneth said:

Can you suggest any ways that I can deal with this? She is not going to gain weight on purpose, but she does feel guilty for losing the weight, but she is also very resentful because she doesn't feel as wanted anymore. She said that she could gain the weight, but she would resent me for it, and I certainly don't want that. I feel too though that even if she does gain weight just over time that she will still resent me for it because suddenly I'll be a lot more interested because her weight has been a theme of our relationship.

Well, she'll be way more wanted if you decide to forego looking at internet porn, masturbate infrequently. That tends to make people way more interested in actual women. 

It'll be hard though, but people say it's worth it. 

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  • Moderators

That's definitely a tough situation, I've been there before in relationships to some extent. I can only speak for myself, but I have to say that my sexuality drive has shifted with time. I used to be very much so driven by the physical aspect of sexual attraction. I could only arouse myself to the thought of flesh. I don't know what happened, maybe it's just aging, but I find myself less and less driven by the physical aspect as time goes on. I love my wife for many reasons beyond her appearance, and I get aroused by other things now, such as the scent of her hair/clothes, knowing that I made her happy in some way, spending quality time together, etc. I'd be a liar if I said I still don't get aroused by her softness, but I have other means to achieve that kind of pleasure now.

Hang in there, love your wife for the hundreds of other reasons you are together.

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18 hours ago, shady-j said:

How tall is your wife, out of curiosity?

 

And as for your issue, shit man, it's hard. You're dealing with a real issue many married couples have though, preference/fetish or no. I think a lot of people are going to come down on your side on this site saying that your wife is a bit selfish for not at least trying to put on a few pounds to try and reinvigorate your sex life, but I would say to take it with a grain of salt. I don't know how much you told your therapist in terms of this but he's not wrong putting it in terms of a wife/husband who has gained weight. If you were in a relationship with someone and they shared that they found your weight perfect the way it was and then you gained 50 lbs, you wouldn't be surprised if they found you less attractive.

I think it's kind of unreasonable to think that your wife, who lost almost 50 lbs through a post-pregnancy induced condition, won't gain the weight again eventually. She may not get back up to 160, but even 10 lbs (don't really know her height, so I don't know exactly how much) would be enough to smooth the edges, so to speak. As for what to do until then, communication is key. You don't need to have the same discussion 10 times about how you want her to be bigger, but just admit you're having issues with how thin she is now and that you're attempting to do better. Remember, it's your issue not finding attraction, she's obviously still beautiful regardless of that, and it's always important to let her know.

My wife is 5'4". I told my therapist the whole story regarding my preference and how it has become a theme of our relationship. I think the issue I had with the anecdote he provided is that most women simply don't want to gain weight. So in the example, both the husband and the wife ultimately wanted the wife to lose weight. The wife felt resentful at first about it, but she eventually lost the weight, making both of them happy. My situation is not the same.  As I said above, I don't know a single woman in my life that does. I also think you are absolutely correct that it isn't likely that she will stay at that weight forever, but my concern is that in the meantime, a lack of intimacy will further damage our relationship. But you are right. I do need to tell her that she is beautiful and make her feel wanted.

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19 hours ago, scissortooth said:

Tough situation. If you have any non-weight-related kinks that are or could become somewhat incorporated into your relationship you might try focusing on them. Otherwise you might try to "reprogram" your brain a bit but it's hard, requires patience and there's no guarantee it will work. Being in your situation I'd probably focus somewhat on the aspects of her new figure that I might find appealing, like, say, her being easier to "throw around" during fun in bed. And then build upon it slowly. Or if you have some past positive experience in being attracted to slimmer girls, try reminiscing and translate it to your current state of mind. Plus, focus on other things that you find attractive in your wife and maybe try "fetishizing" them a little. Anyway, that's what I would do.

I've been working on reprogramming my brain. I've stopped entirely looking at any curvy or plump women (no more Curvage/Dimensions/Fantasy Feeder). Going to the gym too, I've been exposed to many different body shapes, so I see more fit and thinner women there. Not inundating myself with pictures from Curvage I feel has helped because I am no longer comparing these women to my wife. Have I dated a thin woman where I had a positive experience? No. Not really. One woman I dated said that I must be gay because I didn't want her thin body. That there must be something wrong with me. That is actually where Curvage really helped me to see that I wasn't a freak. I just wish I hadn't trained my brain with thousands of images that only a certain body shape is really attractive. I have definitely been focusing on the parts I still enjoy when we are intimate. So that's good advice too. Thanks.

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1 hour ago, An Optimist said:

These guys are serious. 

 

Well, she'll be way more wanted if you decide to forego looking at internet porn, masturbate infrequently. That tends to make people way more interested in actual women. 

It'll be hard though, but people say it's worth it. 

It actually does work to a certain extent. With going cold turkey on any images of curvy or plump women, I'm no longer comparing my wife to them. So that has helped. I had stopped looking at any porn for a little while, but I went through a difficult period and bouts of depression and I fell off the proverbial wagon. I still read weight gain stories, which probably doesn't really help. You are probably right that I should stop entirely again.

As for Mr. Mansplain, I'd rather not even go there. My wife and I are young professionals and we both provide for our children.

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Yeah man, at 5'4 110 your wife is 3 lbs away from being underweight. In your therapists example, it would be like typical guy with a typical wife that is 5'4 and a little over 170, or 3 lbs short of obese. I think the analogy is still applicable in that in both situations, you and the boyfriend want the wife to trend towards a more average, healthy weight. It sounds like your wife is having some issues and if things were more normal for her, she would probably be fine with 10-15 lbs of weight gain putting her back to average. 

And yeah, it's totally okay to have trouble finding someone that is essentially underweight attractive. Even without the fetish/preference I would say it is, though I'm sure it exacerbates it quite a bit. 

Definitely cut the WG fiction out. I'd say looking at curvy models etc. is better than that, because the stories drive even further your expectations of how you want your relationship to be, in the same way that looking at other, bigger woman drives your expectations of how you want her body to be. It's hard, but it will help.

It sounds like a rough deal man, but sickness and health etc. and all. There's more to a marriage than this and hopefully things will get better with time.

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Guest wtfmate86

I feel for OP. Can't quite figure out a similar situation in my own life sometimes, either. 

But I really clicked "reply" to laugh at the guy who linked returnofkings. That site full of wannabe alphas who aren't really men, but more dogs. No natural leadership skills there. Just followers of a site that promises them control of some type over women who are vulnerable. Boys who really don't know how to function as adults in a marriage; so when they experience problems, they blame their wife.

Exactly the kind of behavior they would accuse as "womanly." I really can't understand the mentality of a guy who feels as though he is so weak that he needs a womanwho is subservient to him. I mean come on, grow a pair of balls and be your own goddamn man without having to rely on control you exert over others to prove it.

 

What a retarded site.

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Shady-J is right. According to the WHO guidelines, for someone who is 5'4", the so-called normal range according to her BMI (which has a plethora of problems which I won't get in to now, but it is a good enough starting point) would be 108 lbs to 145 lbs. Would you be more attracted to her if she was closer to the middle of that range, even if it isn't as high as your ideal? If so, as a compromise, would she be open to putting on 10 to 15, not to appease you, but for her own health so that she is not so close to being underweight? 

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10 hours ago, bluetech said:

Shady-J is right. According to the WHO guidelines, for someone who is 5'4", the so-called normal range according to her BMI (which has a plethora of problems which I won't get in to now, but it is a good enough starting point) would be 108 lbs to 145 lbs. Would you be more attracted to her if she was closer to the middle of that range, even if it isn't as high as your ideal? If so, as a compromise, would she be open to putting on 10 to 15, not to appease you, but for her own health so that she is not so close to being underweight? 

She isn't going to gain weight on purpose. We had the discussion when I had touched her hip bone, and she said it felt gross. We started talking about her gaining weight to fall in a more normal range. There have been a few incidents. She had her pants hemmed and the clerk asked, "who even wears pants this small?" She feels far more judged now. Her own sister also told her that she should put on some weight. However, she just bought a bunch of new suits for work so she doesn't want to gain on purpose. I think we have both accepted that she will probably gain over time, but for now she isn't going to gain weight purposely. As for the doctor, he said that if she loses any more weight then she should come back to see him. The doctor didn't seem concerned now that she has stabilized.

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22 hours ago, wtfmate86 said:

"...

But I really clicked "reply" to laugh at the guy who linked returnofkings. That site full of wannabe alphas who aren't really men, but more dogs. No natural leadership skills there. Just followers of a site that promises them control of some type over women who are vulnerable. Boys who really don't know how to function as adults in a marriage; so when they experience problems, they blame their wife.

Exactly the kind of behavior they would accuse as "womanly." I really can't understand the mentality of a guy who feels as though he is so weak that he needs a womanwho is subservient to him. I mean come on, grow a pair of balls and be your own goddamn man without having to rely on control you exert over others to prove it.

..."

So trendy and beta, Ken doll.

Women love power. You wouldn't know that. They seek protection from a provider. They resent non-dominant men and make them cuckolds- in fact and symbolically.

It's no accident that women reject men who are shorter than them, poorer than them and weaker than them. Repeat your life-full of tv platitudes all you like. The reality is, women want strong men.

Surrendering your power to them, if you have any, results in eventual contempt for you, a servant.

The cartoon running in your mind that a dominant man, a husband, is some sort of violent brute slaver is a recent fiction. The lessons you've learned from tv culture are as false as the commercials that pay for it. You've been cucked, Mortimer.

 

 

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Does being an alpha male screws somehow one's skills at using quotes?

Plus, I like how you took a little piece of information that make sense, sewn some monkey ears onto it and now parade it as a logical justification of male dominance. It's so cute it makes me want to paint you pink.

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1 hour ago, finallyfat said:

Ken doll likes servitude.

Can you take this to the Abyss or where ever else non-relevant chatter goes? You said your piece above about what you think I need to do which is fine. I would like to avoid my thread, where I am requesting legitimate advice on an issue that is impacting my marriage, turning into a rant space for your views. Thanks in advance.

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Guest wtfmate86
1 hour ago, finallyfat said:

Ken doll likes servitude.

Okay, guy. You clearly don't get it. Which is no surprise to about anyone. You're not describing alpha behavior. You're describing pack behavior. You describe a relationship like it's some kind of power play. And it is. The problem is, you see thay power as a zero-sum game. Alphas don't. Leaders don't. I don't know whatever pack life it is you live in and under, but I can assure you, whoever the pack leader is doesn't give a damn about your little power play. 

It's no accident women reject shorter men because it's no accident the majority of men are so focused on their perceived lack of power, they have no ability to exhibit any actual power of any kind. No surprise a majority poor men get rejected, the majority of them are too ashamed and concerned of being poor to use their power. No doubt a majority of skinny, scrawny men are rejected because they view themselves as powerless. 

Time to step outside our worldview that relationships are only viewed from a male perspective. It's no surprise girls who view themselves as having nothing more to offer than being subservient sexual objects that also cook and clean hook up with "alphas" who want that sort of thing. Because those alphas need that to justify claiming they're an alpha, and those poor women need it because they think of themselves as weak as you perceive them.

Don't mistake my rant as justification. I could not care less about changing your mind. But stupidity is contagious. I just like to quarantine it in with a little reason whenever I see it. You can call me Ken Doll, if it makes you feel better or bigger because, again, leaders don't concern themselves with what disgruntled followers want to do. You can either learn why you're wrong or keep being wrong. It won't really affect either of us. Hopefully, though, some other follower seeing the crap coming out of you won't mistake it for chocolate when they see how little sense thinking (if you could call it that) like you makes in comparison to the alternative.

How petty life must be to always be playing the power game instead of just having power.

Have a great life.

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Modraneth- Glad to stay on topic with you.

I read in your most recent post that your wife didn't like you touching her hip bone. Did I understand that correctly or was she saying she doesn't like the way her hip bone feels in it's gaunt condition?

I hope that is the case. If it's not and she recoils at your touch of a semi-private area then big trouble awaits. I don't envy your position at all. You can't reprogram your sexual desire for what is normal- a soft woman. Suppressing man's nature never works. 

You can't approach this dysfunction from the position of equality. Men's sex drive is greater and much longer lasting than women's. I can hear the sob sisters. Nancy boys & Ken dolls teeth gnashing on reading that but tough. Sex matters more to men. Men do not stop thinking about sex as they age. Even as men's ability to perform declines over the decades, their minds remain fixated on sex. "Dirty old women" are few and far between.

Smart women know their desire for sex declines with aging. But they still adjust their behaviors to sexually please the man they love. Sexual satisfaction for well adjusted older women is derived most from pleasing their man. There are many wise women who know this. They are the ones who, like my wife, (for whom I just finished washing the dishes) remain happily married as satisfied mates with their horny old men husbands. 

She has to accomodate you. She should WANT to. Marriage has many obligations running both ways. One of a woman's obligations to her husband is to keep him enthralled with her. Women who do this age well and live happy lives. If your wife lacks the wisdom to see this, if she expects you to self-castrate- and that's what you will have to do, get out now. 

Don't surrender your manhood. The resentment will only fester, you will develop a secret life apart from her. You are asking for nothing unnatural. You enjoy the effects that the pleasures of eating combined with the passage of time inexorably lead to- her fattening up. Nature is YOUR ally, not hers.

She is the one making unnatural demands of you. Do not allow it, husband.
 

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Well here's my story.

It has been 3 years since my wife and I have managed to have sex. We both had a high sex drive, but a cured ovarian cancer has robbed us of that. She is going through the menopause, so has no interest in sex. The times we've tried to have sex, she is in pain from the movement and me inside her. She is almost in constant pain from her insides being cut open twice. She has lost about 40lbs now and is starting to feel better for it. She is still big, but now smaller than when we met, which sucks big time as her body was perfect. She is still the person I fell in love with inside though. 

She knows that I consider "fat" my sexuality, and supports me gaining slowly. More importantly, she actively supports me being on sites like here to keep my sex drive satisfied. This sure helps but isn't the same! Neither of us are into oral sex either so that isn't an option. 

Not sure how this helps you, but you but I get your feelings on the weight going. 

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Guest Forest Girl

Hi there! 

I've had this problem with my boyfriend and I am afraid that will come up again in the future and we both will be very devastated. 

Last summer, I lost some weight because of being so hot and working a lot of hours a day. 

And as that happened my boyfriends kisses changed. They weren't so warm anymore. He couldn't perform well in bed and sometimes he couldn't even come. ( earlier he used to come up to 4 times on days we spent at home ). 

I never got that concept of his that he doesn't enjoy my smiller me and will never accept me if something happens just like in your case ( hormonal disorder ).

I am afraid that I am putting all the love and commitment I can give into that relationship and someday  I could get in your wife's situation. 

Gaining weight is not always easy( I now stuck myself with chocolate and bread just to gain but it doesn't always feel good to do that when you don't have appetite).  There are always other man showing their interest in you and finding you attractive, so you stay less at home with your partner and search for acceptance somewhere else. Sometimes you feel guilty for that but if you partner of years doesn't provide you pleasure because of a weight change, what should I do as  a woman? Cheat? Drop the relationship? Struggle myself to gain weight until the next time I unintentionally drop weight and that story starts again?

Believe me your side is not the only hard one!  

I am interested what is going to happen with your relationship. 

Your post opened my eyes. Maybe I should consider finding another man that is more interested by the character of the woman next to him and secondly the body. 

 

Take care!

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