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Weight gain effect on libido


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So as you may know from my other post my wife has put on about 80 pounds since we met over a decade ago. In that time her libido has significantly declined to the point where she claims not to have one. Now i am sure most of it is age, familiarity and two young kids but when i researched online almost every article mentioned weight gain having a negative effect on sex drive.

It sounds like typical fat shaming medical advice, ears hurt? Lose ten pounds, but wondered if anyone else had a similar experiance. Does anyone have solutions that worked for them?

That being said, the times we do, maybe 4 times a month, the sex its better then it has been in years. Mutual simultaneous climaxes and i can tell she is into it as opposed to just getting the thing done. 

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My wife has a higher libido than I do and it's rare we're both excited at the same time.

She really likes/needs to be taken every now and then.

Her previous weight (gain) had her feel very ugly. She lost weight, I encouraged it back on, and now seeing me excited so often, makes her feel more excited.

On the whole I'd say her weight gain has improved our sexuality or sexual feelings, although we don't really do it more often

 

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Guest tillymint

imo weight gain and lower sex drive are more to do with society's obbsesion with weight (the stigma attached to being fat) and not the actual physical impact of carrying more. 

although I do believe that eating the wrong foods can make you lethargic and this will naturally impact sex drive.

if you've been together a decade and have children to contend with, I think you're doing very well to have great sex 4 times a month! 

in terms of a solution (not that there really seems to be a massive problem) I might suggest making her feel valued in other ways and remove the pressure to be 'sexual' focus on gentle physical intimacy and sensuality without it having to lead to sex...head rubs, foot massage, cuddles, warm baths - let her have a lie in bed and make sure she gets plenty of rest 👌

is she affectionate towards you in other ways?

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well, the libido level has a lot of components in it. if the extra weight is not precisely welcome it may have something to do with it but as previously mentioned, 4 times a month sounds decent. probably an honest conversation with her would give more light than a bunch of strangers on this all too familiar website where we all have kind of the same taste

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This is marriage...you are committed to one person for years and decades. It's going to fizzle sexually, I don't know of a single couple who has maintained sexual passion over the decades, it's just something you have to accept or look elsewhere to relieve your sexual frustration and I'm not kidding. 

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Guest DailyDose
9 hours ago, CarlGnarl said:

This is marriage...you are committed to one person for years and decades. It's going to fizzle sexually, I don't know of a single couple who has maintained sexual passion over the decades, it's just something you have to accept or look elsewhere to relieve your sexual frustration and I'm not kidding. 

This may be true, though we must realize lowering of libido itself after years is natural from aging. At such an age I would find fulfillment in my real life activities and hobbies, faith, children, whatever and in the case there's an imbalance I would try to tame in and convert that energy into something productive. I am a firm defender of marriage itself as a concept and realize the sacrifices behind it.

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Yeah i guess my post came off kind of whiny. I love my wife and things are great. Would i like more sex, yeah but its not the end of the world. Im thankful for what we have together. Although it is a bit of torture that the point in our relationship we have sex least frequently is also the point where she is the biggest and in my opinion sexyest.

I was just trying to figure out if part of the decline was due to her weight gain. Trying to isolate the issue. I mean its not like i would trade these new pounds for more sex anyway. Im sure its just typical married stuff.

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On 12/2/2018 at 8:51 AM, CarlGnarl said:

This is marriage...you are committed to one person for years and decades. It's going to fizzle sexually, I don't know of a single couple who has maintained sexual passion over the decades, it's just something you have to accept or look elsewhere to relieve your sexual frustration and I'm not kidding. 

Yeah ....  I really didn't want to believe this had to be the case, but I'm living it right now.

The wife is getting closer to the 50 year old mark, and even though she still looks younger than she is (a lot of people still guess she's in her mid to late 30's) - I think that pre-menopause stage has struck. Lots of complaints about the temperature in the house, even though I keep the thermostat set to the same range it's always been, and it still feels fine to me. Regular bouts of kind of a depressed, irritable "funk". And interest in sex just turned off suddenly, like someone flipped a switch. I can literally pin it down to one particular evening where she suddenly got all crabby in the middle of the act, trying to correct everything I did, saying I wasn't touching or rubbing her the right way and so on. It completely killed the mood for me, and then she got upset that I lost interest too. The next time I tried to initiate something, she got angry and flat out said she was "too tired" and not interested. (This, from the woman who used to brag that she was never one to make excuses like "I have a headache." and would be happy to have sex any time, including waking her up in the middle of the night for it!)

I think we literally only had sex one more time after that, several weeks later -- where all she wanted to do was doggy style and then go to sleep.

And even though she's always known that I liked her bigger? All she ever says about it these days is how she wants to lose weight, plans to do it, and makes a point to get rid of older clothes that are a little too big for her right now. I mean, it's obviously her choice .... but I can't help but feel like some of it is being said just to try to justify how it's MY fault the sex isn't good anymore? 

The weird thing, though? We're just fine having normal conversations about daily life .... work.... politics ..... current events in the news....   Basically, the marriage is perfectly functional, minus the sex right now. And yeah, with several kids turning into teenagers, there's really not that much time to be intimate in the first place. I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that "this is how life is, when you get older as parents of kids".  I've sure heard it from enough other people ....

 

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16 hours ago, tw71 said:

   Basically, the marriage is perfectly functional, minus the sex right now. And yeah, with several kids turning into teenagers, there's really not that much time to be intimate in the first place. I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that "this is how life is, when you get older as parents of kids".  I've sure heard it from enough other people ....

 

Which is why I'm no longer married, and very happy about it. I didn't want that "Been together for decades" deadness and "not that much time to be intimate" and "RESIGNING MYSELF." No offense to you because that's what you want, and that's what you have. Good luck with it...

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5 hours ago, CarlGnarl said:

Which is why I'm no longer married, and very happy about it. I didn't want that "Been together for decades" deadness and "not that much time to be intimate" and "RESIGNING MYSELF." No offense to you because that's what you want, and that's what you have. Good luck with it...

No offense taken! But it's not so much "what I want" as what I wound up with eventually.  We've been together about 10 years now, and sex was never an issue until very recently.

When you're raising kids, life becomes about much more than what you want, personally. It's a big juggling act where most of the time, they come first. You learn to carve out some things for yourself, because after all? You can't be the type of parent they deserve if you don't get some breaks or buy some things for yourself, once in a while. And sometimes, it's actually rewarding. I mean ... you don't want to live your whole life and then start asking, "What did I actually contribute to the world while I was here?" and come up empty. The fact you raised kids who grew up to become productive adults in society is a pretty big accomplishment. Hopefully they'll go on to do things you never knew how to do yourself, or never got an opportunity to do.

But yeah ... I see a lot of couples who were married for many, many years, and they typically wind up bickering with each other constantly. It's kind of a head-scratcher why they don't just get divorced and get it over with. But marriage entangles you in so many things. Sometimes it's a realization that you're just getting too old to be ok with wiping out everything and starting over at ground zero. Divorces have a way of being a "reset button" for your life. You lose all the big things you spent years and years working for, like your home or cars. And you're faced with the prospect of really being alone, after knowing there was somebody else always around for so long. (Even if you're barely on speaking terms with a partner? At least the fact they're at home when you're out gives you that extra sense of security that things are being watched over.)

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20 hours ago, tw71 said:

 

This is all good, and I commend you for putting your kids above everything else, they need that if they are going to have fighting chance in this world. I still harbor hope for being a father one day...in my mind, the scenario goes like "We meet, marry, she has two kids and blows up to the size of a house." 

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My wife's libido is pretty closely dictated by her cycle which I keep loose tabs on. That said, also removing any birth control (or other hormone altering meds) along with some specific anti-depressants that utterly killed her libido has been pivotal for us.

Funny enough, when out day-to-day or around other women, my wife doesn't feel as sexy with the weight gain. But once horny and in the bedroom she loves her "giant stripper tits", the fact she can now lick her own tits and the feel of the slapping of her giant ass. The weight gets her going and is fun. Just, wish she would own it as much outside of the bedroom.

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@BindsThatTie yeah my wife is in no way enamored with her body inside or outside of the bedroom. However, i think she enjoys sex more now that she is bigger. Our sex life is pretty vanilla, no foreplay, just grind it out with her on top. Thats how she likes it and now that she has more weight to use she really uses it. Harder thrusts and letting her belly spill and squish on me. I dont think she gets off on her body but she likes me squeezing all of her soft bits, even her belly and thighs.

Back when she was 150, before kids, we had more frequent sex but she wasnt into it about half the time. "Lets make thus quick" Now when we do have sex she is 100% into it but doesnt need it or initiate. Its confusing but better then nothing.

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