materialentanglement

lmao "all this jelly"

That's the idea I appreciate the advice, I think I was looking for the term "catastrophic thinking" https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201103/catastrophic-thinking and actually going out and meeting people is a great way to stop tripping out and just start living.

This is my long time lurker opinion. I'm a man btw: Usually it's people who question themselves constantly that make the best case against themselves. I've always thought about this as a thing not to talk about until I just openly stated my preferences one day and learned not to blush when the topic of attraction came up. There's a lot of openness and self analysis going on which is probably reflective of the fact that men and women in this scene aren't out there to hurt anyone even though there's potential suffering involved. People suffer with a host of physical, mental, and emotional, and relationship/control/attachment issues. Everyone suffers and most people don't want to cause suffering nor witness it while remaining idle. I read this whole forum and there's been mention of domination/control, perversion, harm, pedos, obsessive compulsive behavior, self esteem, mental health, and the normalcy/strangeness of this stuff we all do/feel. I see a lot of people that are scared of themselves. This is a morbid pass time that snowballed into hours of wasted time each week for me which I feel badly about. Through self torment I've beat myself up about this but I won't convince myself like I have in the past that I'm a threat to myself or others. I used to work in retail with a cam-girl and she told me how much it took out of her and I draw the line at dignity. I don't believe in the economy behind this which puts a price on it but I don't agree with putting a price on human life in any circumstance. I'm even uncomfortable with wage labor because I've sold myself working Joe jobs and felt like a whore working for people unworthy of my time. It's unhealthy to be window shopping on websites and spending money on porn no matter the content/fetish. That's the thing I feel worst about is the habit of this, not the prospect of growing a person into immobility which I'd never do. It's been easier to convince myself there's something wrong with me than actually going out there and meeting a larger person. However it's easy to scare myself when I'm constantly living in paralyzing self-doubt. I know in my heart where I stand and this self-doubt about my involvement here stems from that feeling of shame. I still feel shame but I know how to alleviate the feeling with a little self talk, openness, and honesty. I still blush and I still wouldn't get into this conversation with everyone but hiding from myself and failing to integrate this in my life in accordance with my values causes anxiety about the issues at hand. In a conversation with myself, of course I'd like to see some fantasies unfold while of course I'd be the first to notice and attempt to remedy the suffering of a real person in my life. This is anonymous window shopping for myself and a lot of people and that detachment causes a disconnect and anxiety that's crept into my thinking about all this. At least for the time being I'm not in a comfortable situation to be dating because I've decided to better myself one day at a time and grow the hell up (baby steps). However I'm definitely pursuing someone I'm attracted to (likely overweight) and I won't lie to myself or them nor will I betray my values. I used to be scared of myself and scared of being myself but there's nothing really wrong with me. The sickest I've been is ashamed of myself and mistrusting myself, thinking the worst and interpreting myself as a bad or predatory person even though I'm wasting hours scrolling through pics and admiring shapes while seeing the downside at the same time. The human mind is constantly running checks and I've ran the simulation; I am not the sum of my self-doubt. I don't want to be entangled with secrets and shame and I will not be a promiscuous person, it's just not me. I've always been slow to warm up to someone anyway. I will be myself and my shadow without casting darkness on another's soul, their suffering will be my battle and not my doing.

New here, Hi!